Tuesday, October 28, 2008

X act

-->> .. as much as i try to get   '  IT ' to fail ..  often doesn't ever fail.

When i  say i'm  NUMB..   it's literal.   I cannot feel..  and  as the moments progress once i've hit this absolute desperate peak of anxiety..  i need to feel.

When i was younger..   it was a trick to burn myself on odd and end things in order to feel.  It hurt so bad but somehow it became a coping mechanism.

As time progressed burning became my MAIN means to cope.   Most my friends seem to need to escape by means of fantasy, liquor, ..smoking pot up to hell and back, music .. whatever.   I wish things were so simple here..

 Therapist won't listen and it's all about taking pills that make me numb .. very numb, the very thing that is the staple in my bane of this existence.  

The inability to feel sensation may also stem from the inner pain inside that i can not ever seem to fully destroy.

Thus, also the burning and scorching becomes also an attempt to squelch the pain on the inside by feeling an incredible and painful sensation on the outside. So i deduct, anyway.

The main  form of infliction is the soldering tool, the knife.. and allowing it to heat up for several minutes makes the device hot enough to burn small amounts of certain metals like tin or aluminum ..what have you.

My back seems to be the most sensitive to this device and often is what i target the most with the scorching and slashes.

Often the pain is so incredible.. it feels like a rush of ' Something' .. life i guess is just thrusting itself into my body. Often i'll be sweating, breathing profusely , and sometimes crying and i catch myself laughing manically.

This is nothing i am proud of, and something i am not apt to share anymore ( 'cept here i suppose ) .. i've a history beyond burning.

Knives, walls, irons.. anything to use against my being .. it's been an issue since i was about 10.

There really seems to be no answer for this and people come up with a stereo-type of ' WHAT ' they suppose it is. Like it's E M O or something.

Never so simple.. not ever.

Hasn't been.

Issues ans thoughts, my convictions on the darkest facets of my challenges will remain my own. Less and less and fewer and fewer people i shall confide in these items about.

Yes i am a suicidalist, yes i am diagnosed schizophrenic , yes i have ton of shit working against me .. & my work is resoundingly hated by industry and so much of the art world as a whole.

Sure i'm one fucked up freek .. and still that 'Crazy Fag in a Basement '.

Is that what they want to hear ??

So be it, World.. see this shit in the black and white as much as you need to.

Things are changing and things are in grave peril.

I don't how to stop this cycle, i am trying.. seems i 'm failing.

Been trying so long now. I dunno. Almost seems no end is in sight.

Whatever i am or however retarded people think i am..

.. i'm also, in my own way a survivalist.

Been called that to ..and i got a back full of scars.

It was once stated that " Scars make better tattoos " ..


I cross my fingers few others will have to claim or cling to the same sentiment.


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