Posted here because it reflects much of the dark state and nature of the moment .. discouragement, challenge , typical maelstrom & adversity.
.. and once again i renew my ultimatum as i approach the end.
Same old same old ??
.. if you insist ..
- - - .. i insist something else at the moment if you do that, but at this time i'd like to try to remain a gentleman best i can.
->> ..mind is racing terrible again, but i'll need to get a hold of it this very moment as i type this, with your trip coming up you are going to need as little anxiety as possible for i know you go with much weight there.
Again i'll never know that type of frustration & burden. But i need to be aware of it, respect it because it's presence is not yet over and will be something you're gonna have to deal with for a very long time . Very sure you can handle it. Positive you can. Again ..you have a wonderful 'backbone' that even i can appreciate.
Alright .. no i cannot 'shut the world out' , much as i'd like.
The exhaustion of what has transpired recently and the fact that it is is all gnawing on my mind, my heart .. agitating me.. i cannot sleep in anything but 30 minute increments. Missed work , and have been relatively confined out of energy and the typical ' wrestling ' of suicidal tendency.
Muffle the world slightly , i can try .. that'll just have to be.. - - everything that happened within' the past 9 days represents a good array of challenges one can face within' any given week+.
It also represents .. .. the very worst of how i could have handled it.
With news of of my mom ( Cancer resurgence scare ~ t ) , missing work, my inability to avoid and stave off harassment from ruthless and trivial individuals, and ultimately my inability to accept my disposition on this planet .
Miscommunication comes in and not only with you.. but even ** [] ** thought i was "MOCKING" him when it was the exact opposite and i was trying to add to his cheer.
Such as it goes .. i cannot lean over and give anyone a flower without people thinking it's got a small electronic device that will blow up on them.
My intentions .. 99 % of the time strictly remained pure .. .. but it is as i've stated before.. .. the electricity i bring to everything i do that agitates, disrupts, and for some reason .. people misinterpret it as ' BAD ' .. and destructive.
It's too easy to blame sh8t in my head. Even i do this.. .. .. perhaps a better tactic .. .. to be to try to look at it as something that i have and not as something that defines me.
I presented this to my professor the other year. " People see me as schizophrenic and then that is one main hindrance why i am unable to conform or be accepted in any venue of the arts or design, whatever that may be. "
Professor alerted me to a former student that was struggling in a much different manner. The student felt that he was being harassed by police and others on campus because he was a black person. He was pretty traumatized by what happened to him.
Professor told the student ..amidst other things to console him .. told him that he wasn't his black student, but his student who happened to be black. There is a major correlation difference .. as heavily Caucasian that i am ( ethnicity in this mutt mix from French to Hispanic to Irish .. so i dunno quite what the deal is in my DNA ) .. i will never know the great adversity of others of different ethnicity's. Those challenges still remain but i hope the recent historical event will level allot of that off, time will tell.
Aside tho' .. my teacher brought the analogy back around .. i am his student.. i am an artist who happened to be a diagnosed schizophrenic.
I've been unable to grasp this fully. I do try to look at it tho' .. perspective on such sayings are challenging. Maybe i am over thinking them, or maybe i am not harnessing them enough. I don't know.
A piece i started last week caused allot of problems because i was unable to make myself clear as to my intentions.
Anything i do i put every ounce of energy, focus, stamina i have no matter what the project or item may be.
99.9 % of what i create .. i don't get paid for .. so my intentions for most of my work do serve a purpose, even if those intentions are not always understood by others. I suppose ultimately that intent is the only driver i have .
Now as i stumble and struggle to get back up after having been so thoroughly humiliated, and any creative motivation sucked out of me, loathing the entity this reality sees me as, on the cusp of loathing the reality itself.. .. i wake very dark and once again very numb.
The cycle begins again .. and yeh i gotta go ' feel ' .. so that whole burning drill with the soldering knife becomes my real drug.
There are no answers .. but i don't think at this moment i'm really asking any questions.
Sometimes .. questions become subverted as one goes along and continues seeking.
I think what i was trying to state days ago is that i really do have to jump thru' massive hoops of fire and over seemingly ever growing volcanoes to get any semblance feedback, acceptance, or even the slightest attempt for anyone to crack open their minds to what i have to offer. I even go so far as to try to set my self-loathing aside and that entails .. throw the work out there.
Anymore i'm never sure if it's just being thrown out into the void. A Void similar to what is really defining me and going thru' me right now.
While i am aware and have been for so long now the nature of these ' art industries ' .. and the power of their rejection. Having 100s and 100s of times now faced it and dealt with it head on. .. ..
that old sign is held up to my face " You do it all right and all wrong at the same time . " ..
In actuality .. these people are more within' their power and right to make the decisions regarding me. I have to respect that within' a certain frame of mind.
It's also tricky.. .. because there is also little excuse for some ways i've been treated and handled, shunned.
Yes .. one must move on .. still it doesn't necessarily "OK " .
Yes .. it remains hard for me to see so many of my peers gathering time and time again .. with seeming little effort .. acceptance by so many.
"Economy" issues are not going to do anything to me at the moment.. the struggles were always there, it's just going to become more difficult.
Peace and chaos seemingly go hand in hand. Dunno if i have found balance between the two.
Logic dictates that i have not. Peace remains in death .. and that call is ever so stronger everyday.
An existence and this shit in my head.. .. .. all this pointless strife .. i dunno.
As i've stated .. i will need to help people in some way .. but i will have to get myself out of this pit.
If it remains unavoidable .. and i am doomed here, decimation of this shell that i am is inevitable and i will die with minimal regret at my own device.
But these are the things i suppose i am trying to come to gain a final sense of. Part of that seeking, i guess.
The piece that helped start allot of these flames that i am trying to put out .. i'm gonna go ahead and finish.
Hell or high water, so i can move onto the next projects that i have been working in tandem with this one.
This piece was intended to be very special .. one to make others smile. While i am sure feedback would be minimal .. ( again i remain electric ) .. i wanted to do something nice.
Sometimes that is all it's about cheering people the fuck up.
It's still a very dark world.. and i represent one of the dregs of that .. i am not proud of it.
gonna go do what i gotta do to feel, .. then i will work on finishing that piece. I started it with the best of intentions .. and i want to finish it within' the mindset how i wanted to start it. I'm not getting anything out of it more than what is presented here, so it must be important to me in some form or another.