Monday, October 13, 2008

.. how invaders are born ?! :: B

Young Fear and the Unworldly ..

-->> .. artist Ted Seth Jacobs  , as i would learn painted the cover to Whitley Strieber's famous  "non-fiction" account of his encounter with extraordinary non-human life.

Images like these burned into my skull as a kid. Local book book sellers of coarse had these best sellers on the front rows of their stores and the visage of the now commonly know  Zeta or ' Grey ' aliens. Now a common staple in science fiction and popular culture across various medias .. at the time, my unfamiliarity with the image was actually very frightening. While i'm unclear if it was initially Strieber's book or one preceding it that  first had the image of these Greys first introduced to my eyes ..Strieber's book had a cover that was particularly realistic and disturbing for me when i was younger. The neutral look of the somewhat humanoid rendition really did pierce me and haunted me years to come.

One time i recall some reception or store opening regarding a ' GREY ' themed book. Again i am unsure if it was for Strieber's book or not. The author might even have in attendance at the store. This was a book shop we often frequented with my mom downtown.  With a large childrens' section and even a play area, my mom was never intimidated to take us there. Give away items during this book event included buttons with the image similar to the one above promotng the book.  My mom grabbed a number of them and gave them to me.  How was one to react from such a ' gift ' ??  Compulsive as she was .. i guess as it was an afterthought.  I am unsure what ultimately became of the little buttons.. tho i recall taking them home and laying them out staring at them but equally frightened at the vacant look at the otherworldly illustration.  I may have destoyed the buttons.

This above item i've been relatively silent about, but the ' Grey ' issue in the future would actually be cause for allot of trauma and be something used against me.

Very impressionable i was, fearful, gullible.   Some family members used this to their advantage for the use of humor or to hurt me.  While i lived on this fringe and very much things like monsters and dinosaurs .. my confusion about the unknown was nightmarish.  Issues involving death.. the uncertain aspect of these things everyone must face at some point were instilled in me as early as 4 or 5 years of age.  Again, more mixed - messages from a Mixed Roman Catholic, Fundamentalist upbringing .. Heaven, and Hell became equally as frightening to me. Jesus eventually became a Boogey Man .. in time i'd abandon Established Christian based Religion altogether.

Sureal as my life has become, elements of things i was exposed to make me question if the visions and things i've experienced real as they may have seemed may have actually been exaggerated by  the illness in some form or another.  I don't deny interest in cryptozoology and the paranormal. Obviously so much has influenced my work. Those things and influences in things like Japanese mythology have helped me hang onto these aspiring ideas and helped me create many characters and things of my own. And to help me tell larger than life stories that even i am perplexed sometimes that i am able to tell.

Maybe there is an element of truth to the now countless tales of extraterrestrial beings. Fascination with old films such as 'Close Encounters' and E.T. almost made me wish there really was an experience i could have had much more pleasant than the visions i had.  Widely considered a mad person, perhaps the truth lies with' the cracks of my reality .. or maybe the truth will not ever be known.

The real truth is , i want to know the TRUTH about my illness.. because things i have witnessed and experienced since i was young just don't make any fucking sence.


I don't talk  about them much because i don't like to .. it provides more fuel for fodder by others to use against me.

Visions of tigers and creatures of varying degrees of color and size, deformation, and construction are so normal for me ..   i may not ever know what  to expect .. but i don't find them frightening .. and they are as normal as the air people breath and the buildings people go into or whatever. Depending on the severity of my mood , stress, anxiety .. what have you has been speculated even by me that the intensity of the visions also increases. Sometimes they do become incredibly illogical and scary. I deal with them as i can. No one has ever been able to help me with this, and sometimes they are cause or concurrent to the nervous breakdowns. Sometimes they aren't there at all. It's very challenging to discuss, and even harder to deal with. Well i try tho'.

Visions and auditory sounds were also common as a kid.  While i  think the car accidents only increased these effects,   the things i've witnessed are not new.

With multiple doctor visitations neurologists, psychologists, and psychiatrists, mixed amounts of heavy medications.. i've never been fully sure what to say about visions from when i was younger. What if the medications helped the visions is some way ? ?  I don't know. At one point i was taking between 8 - 16 pills  in any given day. I've known people who took much more medication than i had in the coarse of a day, so maybe i actually was lucky.

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Adventures" #49.. cover art by Chris Allan & Ryan Brown [[ Sons of Silence & Donatello ..]]  (( 1993 ))

Whatever the case, as a teenager seeing things in the dark, moonlit crevisces of my mom's home and the houses i'd stay at similar to the effect of these Grey creatures made me continually on edge.

Seeing 'flying aspirins ' on the higher levels of the hospital my mom worked at, outside the building's windows on the 14th floors and such were very odd to me.

Advances on what appeared to be groups of these creatures and on my hikes in the sunlit hilly areas by my mom's house, visions of dead - like Grey bodies were things i'd swear were so real to me and would wrestle my mind and my reality so much. My sanity ??   Some have stated that i have none.

Sometimes i believe they may be right.

Whatever i was witnessing during my teen years, i should have kept to myself. Over and over again this was used as something i was questioned with. People either addressed me insultingly or as if i was a feeble child when these visions came up. i so wish i had kept it all to myself.

My mom had always liked talk radio. In particular .. the late night show of 'ART BELL' ...the former main host of Coast to Coast .  His show was on late at night. It held her interest during her late nursing jobs and i think it always sparked her imagination in good and bad ways. Overtime ..for a period of over 7 years she even got  me hooked on the show and i bought into  ( that gullible nature i had ) so much of it. This too kept me on edge over so much  more. After a number of years i lost interest .. but whatever the case..
in time .. .. my mother would claim that i too was ' ABDUCTED ' like some of the horror stories she heard on Art Bell's radio show.

Again ..  this was used against me even in doctor's visits and i'm left beyond frustrated and with ZERO credibility as everyone had depicted me as ' CRAZY ' .. ..

I think at this point because i am an adult  and trying to figure out their causes and sources of my mind's issues, the visions or hallucinations, whatever they are ..  .. it has bothered some doctors somewhat. I am conflicted with medication .. and every type of intervention available and for the most part try to handle these issues on my own as much as i can anymore. So many times they wanted to know ' WHAT ' i was seeing .. but never to help me eradicate it. They rarely paid attention to the physical trauma inflicted to my head by all the beatings and poundings made on me by the impacts of those blows or the concussion caused by the car accidents. Most of the time it was brushed off or the doctors would shrug their shoulders and tell me that i had ' SOMETHING' ..but they didn't know. Answers were and remained nil.

Some of this is the source of the pain i feel internally, some of i find ludicrous as to have it as part of my history. Some of it is pure frustration. Some of it has also caused me need destroy this mind, set up emergency situations sent me to the psych wards & dubbed Crazy.

..some of these issues of an impaired mental health also caused ..thru' frustration, anger, mutilation,  and desperation ..

.. caused  me to step on a spike of some inspiration..

'Spaze Stepping on a nail'

.. 2 be continued  ( or concluded ) ..       >v<

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** !! me AM, tOkKa - - { the dead archival } // tOkKa's former blogg :: 2002-2008 ..** // ** ♥ ♥ !! **